I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
