Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
