Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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