some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
