I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
