3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
