Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
