So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
