Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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