He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
