You work out of a Hotel?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
