I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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