Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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