did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
