first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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