Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
