You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Randomize
