Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As shirtless as possible
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
