He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
