I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
