Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
