Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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