she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
