What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Never underestimate the power of titties
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