My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
