I will die if light touches me.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
