Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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