On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
