i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
