She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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