guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
