i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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