if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
