Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I didn't notice because vodka
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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