Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
