Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
