I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
