i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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