Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
