You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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