I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
