so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize