Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
