1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
