how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
