Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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