1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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