Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
