Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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