i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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